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Author Topic: I have a sort of awkward question  (Read 6913 times)

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Sillychinchilly

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I have a sort of awkward question
« on: October 20, 2007, 07:24:08 PM »

When i was four, I was molested by my biological mother's boyfriend. My adopted family (grandparents) never brought up charges against the guy... Now that I'm eighteen and they can't stop me, I'd like to do it... But its been fourteen years... Does anyone know how I would go about trying to do this? Would it just be thrown out of court, or would someone actually listen to me, do you think?
It eats at me that he's out there still, probably doing it to some other little girl... It's a sick feeling. I'm not wanting to sue, I want his butt in jail, where he can't touch another little kid...

I'm sort of nervous about posting this, but here it goes... I'm hoping someone can help me.
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Abby W.

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2007, 07:50:06 PM »

Sillychinchilly,

Unfortunately, I have some experience in this area...not from something that happened to me, but something that was done to my foster daughter.   

The first thing you would need to do would be to contact the state's attorney.  There may be a statute of limitations on the crime committed, which would mean he could not be charged for what he did.  The state's attorney could also discuss with you what evidence you have and whether it would be a case he/she could have a chance of successfully prosecuting.

It will be hard for you to hear, but you have to know that after so much time has passed, it is likely the attorney will tell you it is a case he could not prosecute.  Many cases of this nature end up being unsuccessful because of lack of evidence.  Did you see a doctor or a counselor after this happened?  If you did, in most states medical doctors, school counselors, social workers, teachers, and psychologists are all designated mandated reporters.  This means, by law, they are required to report any knowledge they have of abuse or illegal activity involving a minor.
If you spoke with any of those people after the crime occurred they would have been legally required to file a report with child protective services.  So there could be a report on record, which would help support any testimony you gave in court.

I would ask you to think about what you want to do, though.  I would not by any means discourage you from pursuing this if that's what you feel you need to do.  But cases like this can be VERY difficult on the victim emotionally.  Do you feel able to handle telling your story in open court, in front of family, friends, and most of all in front of your abuser?   I have worked with a victims' advocacy group that handles many cases like yours, and many of the victims find it very hard to face their abuser.  Most feel empowered once they have done it, but the experience can be very hard emotionally.  Again, I don't want you to think I am discouraging you.  It is very brave to have come forward like you have already.  And there is at least one more option available to you, if you cannot go to court. 

You can file a report with your local child protective services officer about what happened to you.  Particularly, if you have any knowledge that this man has contact with children or teenagers currently, I would encourage you to do this.  CPS is required to investigate all allegations involving the abuse of children.  At least it would let him know that he is being watched to a certain extent, and may cause him to be more hesitant to hurt another child like he hurt you.

The most important thing in all of this, though, is that you do what you need to do to heal emotionally. This kind of experience is one that never goes away, but there are ways for you to come to terms with what happened and to learn how to move past it, to not let his actions control your life or your feelings anymore.  I would urge you to join a support group for survivors of sexual abuse, if you have not done so already.  I know many people have misgivings about support groups and feel awkward about the idea.  But they can be tremendously helpful in these situations.  Victims of sexual abuse almost always carry tremendous feelings of guilt and shame, they often feel responsible for what was done to them, and mostly they feel very, VERY alone.  In your posting you said "now that they (your grandparents) can't stop you", so I assume they are not in support of your decision.  I would urge you to find a counselor who specializes in dealing with sexual abuse victims, and their families.  Family support is vital for a victim of abuse.  They need to understand that you have to find a way to empower yourself, so that you can move past this to a healthier life.  That is something they need to support, no matter what.

I am so grateful you had the courage to post this, and not remain silent, as it seems you have been forced to do until now.  It took tremendous strength for you to do that, I'm sure.  I hope what I have said is helpful.  I would like to end by saying that no matter what happens, in court, with your family, or anywhere else, you need to do whatever it takes to feel like you can be ok.  The most important thing is for you to find a way to move past this, and not let your abuser have power over you anymore, to not let this control you or your life choices, and to
never, EVER blame yourself for what happened.   





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Sillychinchilly

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2007, 09:00:41 PM »

You're so helpful, Abby. Thanks so much.
The reasoning behind my (grand)parents not wanting to do anything about it then was embarassment, now its that they're raising my little half brother and trying to adopt him, because our mother is an unfit parent. They're afraid that if I go "spouting off" about this, then CPS isn't going to let them have Adam (my brother). Which, I think, if CPS finds that their behavior in not even having reported it to the police neglectful, then so be it, because it was.
Thanks to a very close friend of mine, I know it isn't my fault. I blamed myself for it for a really, really long time. She'd been through the same thing and listened with open ears any time I needed her.
I never talked to a teacher or anything about it, as far as I remember, but I've blocked out a lot of things about it. I don't even know if the guy is any where near any kids, all I know is his full name, really. I assume he still lives in AZ, he was in a group home the last I heard. He is supposedly mildly mentally retarded, like my biological mom, but he's been found competent to stand trial before, and he certainly knew that what he was doing was wrong. He always told me not to tell anyone.
I'll def. look up support groups, though, and call my state's attourney Monday.
I never really thought that I was seeking any sort of emotional healing, but now that you've said it, I think you're right. Somewhere inside me I've always been afraid that because I told my (grand)mom about what he'd been doing he'd come after me. Its not like an ongoing fear, its like a nightmare I have after a particularly rough day.

I'm sorry your foster daughter had to go through it. Its a tough road to go down, I'm hating it.

Thanks again Abby for your help and support.
<3
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Jo Ann

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2007, 10:45:42 PM »

  :)  It took allot to come forward with this and it sounds like you want to make sure he can not do it to another child.

  Different states have different laws.  You need to, like Abby said, check with the state's attorney nearest you.  In some states (most) anything that happens to a child can be prosecuted by the parent or guardian until the child is 18 years old.  Once the child is 18, he/she can bring charges against the person.  Some states will have a limitation on the time frame after the child turns 18, some states do not and it usually depends on the crime itself.  Sexual abuse of a child is not looked upon as being 'just another crime', it is considered a hanis crime.  It's a hard thing to have to face, but you sound like you are ready to do so.  Be sure to have the state's attorney explain all aspects of what you will need to do and have to face.  Then you can decide if you want to go forward with it.

One of my uncles, by marriage, tried to mess with me when I was 4 ... he spent some time in the pen for it.  Momma and Daddy prosecuted him.  That made it easier for me to put that aside. 

But ... At 14, I was raped by a man I did not know.  He was never caught ... to this day, (and I will be 58 soon) I would still like to see him in jail and I often wonder how many other girls went through the same thing because he was not caught.  I know the nightmares and the tension it can cause.  It never quite goes away, but it does get a little easier with time.  I almost had a nervous breakdown afterwards.  It still creeps into my mind or my dreams nightmares on occasions. 

Time heals all wounds, but wounds often leave scars ... do we hide the scars in shame, or show them as a badge of victory?  I hope yours will be a badge of victory. 

Do what you feel you must do, but be as sure as you can be, that you can handle it.   Who knows, he may not even be alive now, or could already be in jail.  If he is in jail (especially for the same thing), you could make him have to stay in there even longer. 

You, if nothing else, need to know if he still seems to be as dangerous to you today, as he was years ago.  In finding out this, you may not have to look over your shoulder as much, or jump at every shadow.  Facing a problem won't make it go away, but running away or hideing can distroy you.  To me, your grandparents did you a great injustice, but we have to remember, they were born in a different time and do things a different way.

People that have not been there, have no real idea what it is like.  That's why those of us that have, must reach out to those that need the understanding.  You will do this for others, in the same situation, in time.  There's always an open ear to hear, you just have to find it.   ::nod::

God be with you on your journey, regardless of what course you take.

   :)  Jo Ann
« Last Edit: October 30, 2007, 08:10:27 AM by Jo Ann »
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nemue

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2008, 12:08:29 AM »

What did you end up doing with this?  I only ask, as a friend with concern.  If you didn't bring it forward, or couldnt' find him, I hope that you can find a resolution somehow.  Having been through AA years ago, I understand how we need to find a way to forgive (but not forget) the harm done to us by others (and ourselves) and find a way to heal.  You are the only one responsible for your healing and you need to find what it is to let go of the hurt, or it will continue to hurt you.  The emotional aspect turns to physical and manifests much damage.  My emotions drove me to nearly drink myself to death at 21. 

I wish you best of luck. 
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Sillychinchilly

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2008, 08:37:12 PM »

I told my brother in law that I was attempting to do something about it and he hired a private investigator to look for the guy. They found him. He was sent to jail about three years ago on charges of child molestation and was murdered by another inmate right after the trial.
Good riddance, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm glad some other little girl was brave enough to come forward and say something. The one who turned him in was only seven. :( Poor baby.

Thanks, guys, for your concern. <3
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ChillinChinchillas

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2008, 11:28:44 AM »

It is great that you were able to have the courage to talk about it. It helps you to get closure. You should be very proud of yourself to do what most people in your situation regret not doing for the rest of their lives.
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rodafer

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2008, 03:29:26 PM »

I am just now coming across this thread. I work as a victim advocate and crisis counselor, and I first wanted to say that you are very brave to talk about it on here and I am so happy that you feel you have made a connection with these wonderful women on here. Secondly, the responses to your concerns were just AMAZING! I deal with victims of abuse, sexual assault, and other sorts of violent crimes all day, and they just took the words right out of my mouth, so kuddos to them! You really got the best answers available.
Even though he is "gone", I would still encourage you to join a group. They are such a wonderful tool or outlet for people in your situation. Most of the people in the groups I facilitate had these things happen to them years ago, so you will really relate to the others there I am sure of it. Or if that is not for you, try a message board. Talking with other people really emphasizes the "you are not alone" factor, and it is really the most helpful in my opinion.
And the most important thing is, even though I am a victim advocate, I would much rather my title be SURVIVOR advocate. Because it may sound silly, but you are a survivor everyday!  ;)
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Sillychinchilly

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2008, 06:20:47 PM »

Rodafer- With work now, there's not much time for a support group, as much as I'd like to check one out. I hadn't thought of forums, do you know of any that are particularly good?
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nemue

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Re: I have a sort of awkward question
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2008, 09:01:48 AM »

It must be nice to have some sort of closure, as strange as the situation is.  Don't leave off the healing part, it's really important. 

Good luck.

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