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[Hoppinchins]

So this year hasn't been going too good for me. I'm 23 and my b/f i just broke up with yesterday is also 23. We had been together a year and 3 months. We were serious. We had originally planed on being engaged this past Christmas, but we had some problems in the past. We decided to wait, more him than me. He was also supposed to be going into the air force around December, but he hasn't lost the weight yet... He is a real emotional guy. He warned me before we had made it officially to go out that I didn't want a guy like him. But I was soo crazy  about him. We were friends before we hooked up because we were both with other people when we met. I don't want to ramble on too much so i'm going to try to make this short.

We had a rocky start in the beginning and I stuck through things even though i prob shouldn't have. In the beginning he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He mostly grew up in the south and now he lives in Ohio. He wasn't used to a girl like me and I wasn't what he was used to. He ended up falling for me really hard, just like I did for him. We would have fights like any other relationship. He would get upset and not say things he meant or just brake up with me because he was upset and then he would come back and say sorry and that he wouldn't mean it. I'd forgive him and we'd be fine until it would happen again.

This happened again on new years eve. On the 2ed we agreed to just take things slow and then the next day he come over and tells me that he'd been losing that feeling he had for me for a month now and other stuff that hurt me. I ended up breaking up with him for good yesterday. And he said he didn't mean everything he had said, once again... I told him I just needed time to heal and maybe down the road we could try things again. I still love him. I'v only really loved one other guy, my first love from high school and we still talk. I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I think I have. Its not fair how he was treating me. He was good to  me most the time and sweet.

[Hoppinchins]

And to make things more complicated my first love, my ex from a few years ago wants to start things up again. We had tried things when my last b/f and I broke up but I didn't have the same feelings for him at the time.

I'm trying to not lose it yet. I just started a new quarter in school and I have to do well. I know I prob should start to get over him... And take down the pictures of us in my room.

[Abby W.]

It sounds like you made the right decision breaking things off.  It's true that all couples fight and say things they don't mean, but it's not fair to break things off every time one of you gets angry.  That's just too much of an emotional roller coaster, and I have to think that's not healthy. 

I would wait to get involved with someone else for a little while though.  It sounds like you are carrying some baggage from this relatoinship and need time to heal and unload that before you can be with someone else.  Otherwise, you couldn't be into the new relationship 100% and that's not fair to the other person.

I know you are hurting and this really sucks for you.  Just stay strong and remember why you made your decisions.  You will find the right path eventually, just follow your heart and your instincts.

[mylittlechinchilla]

I'm sorry for your breakup.

I would take time to heal and get over him before looking for another boyfriend, just like I told my 17 year old daughter.. they come and go.  It really sucks though    My heart has been broken more times than I can count. 

You will get over him and most likely find someone better anyway 

[Hoppinchins]

Thanks guys. I know I should get over him before I get involved with someone else. Its going to take while to get over him. I'm hurting soo bad. On top of everything I need to stay on focused with school and that's hard to do. 

as of now, i'm not liking 2009 at all.

[mylittlechinchilla]

 

This has been a rough year for us to start off too!  Mostly sicknesses..

You will pull right throught this!

[Hoppinchins]

Aww, thats a cute smiley.  Thanks! I know, it will just take time. I hope you and your family get better.

[Jo Ann]

   I learned a few things over the years ...

The saying "The best part of fighting is making-up" ... Is not really true, because no mater how hard you try, you don't forget the things/words that were hurtful during the fight ... they just build up inside and make you sad ... and ... are often thrown back at each other later.

"He/she will change." ... Does a tiger change it's stripes? ... Nope and never go into a relationship thinking you can change them or you can change for them ... the odds are against you big time.

"He/she promised they would not do it again."  ... Wake up and smell the dirty socks ... it will most likely happen over and over again ... each time worse than the time before.

"We have to get back together, I can't stand the hurting." ...  Hmmm ... you must love to hurt ... going back for seconds.  (This is not to sound mean, remember, I said these are lessions I have had to learn over the years. 

You aren't the first and won't be the last to go through this, be strong, hold your head up high ... consentrate on your school, your self esteem and your independence!  Don't go looking for a new (or old) injury when you need time to heal from this one. 

Put men out of your life and mind for the next year, get your head on straight and be proud of yourself! 
You are a whole person, you do not need another person to to make you whole.
When you least expect it, you and that special someone you are meant to be with will find each other ... in the meantime ... enjoy life and build yourself a future!

   Jo Ann

PS.  I did not find the true love of my life until I was 43 ... I am now headed for 60 ... married, happy and content with the man that I love and that loves me.    We don't fight so we can have fun making up ... we just don't fight and make up anyway.   

[Hoppinchins]

Thanks Jo Ann. That stuff kinda makes me feel better. Some of the things you said, I can hear him saying to me. I told he needed to grow up and learn to handle these problems on his own.He said he needed me to help him deal with him being over emitional. Some how he got the idea in his head that it would be a good idea to prpose to me. On thursday he came over with roses and he asked me to marry him with my promise ring. I said, "you know this is not the right time for this". He cried. He said he was trying to approch the problem as an adult since I said he needed to grow up. I keept telling me to give me my space but that only lasts a few days befor he textes me or says we need to talk....

I know I did the right thing. Its just hard for now. I know I will read what you wrote a few times.

[Hoppinchins]

My ex has been texting me alot latley. He hasn't given me my space. I texted him last night being nice, I said that I need my space and to leave me alone. I wake up and have 13 text messages and a voice mail from him.... UG, ( even though thats not want a want to say...) In his textes he was saying that he will leave alone and if i decide to not give him another chance that i will have to be mean to him in order for him to leave me alone. In the voice mail he said he didn't mean what he said in the text messages, that he let his emotions do the talking.... I haven't replayed back to him.

I don't want to mean and hurt him. But if he doesn't leave me alone, i don't know what to do.

[Abby W.]

To me that is more proof that you made the right decision to break things off.  He is clearly not respecting your wishes and is putting his own feelings ahead of your needs.  "Letting his emotions do the talking" is immature and basically says that he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and how they might affect you.  A mature man would be able to take responsibility for himself, his actions, and his feelings, and would have enough respect for you to respect your needs and feelings. 

I hate to say this, but you might have to be firm with him.  That does not necessarily mean "being mean".  Setting an appropriate boundary with someone is perfectly healthy, and you shouldn't let him make you feel guilty for doing it.  You can say something like "I need some time to think, and I want you to respect that.  I will contact you if/when I am ready to do so."  Tell him that failing to respect your wishes only proves that he is not able or ready to treat you the way you deserve, and that you can't consider a relationship with someone who won't treat you with respect.

Please remember, you are a person who is worthy of love, respect, honesty, and kindness.  You should expect the people around you to treat you that way, ESPECIALLY any person who claims to be in love with you.  Just stay strong and do the things you know are right and healthy for you. 

[Jo Ann]

 

I texted him last night being nice, I said that I need my space and to leave me alone.

If he can not abide by such a simple request, he has not even begun to grow up, or show you any respect ... let alone the respect you deserve.  You sound like you need to just make a clean break of it completely.  But, that has to be your decision.  What ever you decide, keep in mind, the longer it takes for you to act on your decision, the harder it gets to actually do it.

In his textes he was saying that he will leave alone and if i decide to not give him another chance that i will have to be mean to him in order for him to leave me alone.

  Not! 

In the voice mail he said he didn't mean what he said in the text messages, that he let his emotions do the talking....

#1  You are not being mean to him, you just want your own life with your own responsibilities ... not his.
#2  Sounds like he is looking for a momma, not a wife. 
#3  To admit his emotions were doing the talking is admitting he is not in control of them or himself ... nobody needs that in a relationship.
#4  Do not let him send you on a guilt trip ... that's what little children and self-centered brats try to do ... regardless of the chronological age the person may be at the time.
#5  He is the one that is insecure and he is trying to make you insecure ... don't go there ... you are better than that.

Personally, if it were me, I would tell him I want to break it off because, by his own actions, he has proven to you that he is not what you want in your life at this time ... you will have children to raise later in life, you don't need to practice with him.  I would let him know if he continues to contact me, that I will take out a restraining order, if necessary.

Now, that would be my approach ... It worked for me when I had to do it.  What course you take, is up to you ... just keep in mind ... mean what you say and be willing to follow through with it, or don't say it at all. 

   Jo Ann

[Hoppinchins]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Its helped me a lot.

[Courtney]

Just make sure he is not starting to become obsessed. How is it going now? Are you back with your other X? I think you did the right thing, he sounds to me like he does not treat you the way you should be treated. I know you love him but there's more to love. Sorry you are going threw this.

[Hoppinchins]

thanks. He has moved on and is engaged and finaly got in the air force. Haven't talked to him since he got engaged and i am with a much better man. He's 30 and i'm 25 now. My family and friends like him and we're pre engaged! He's been making payments on a ring i want.