Chinchilla Community Forums
News & Updates => News => Topic started by: BrightEyed on September 14, 2007, 12:35:19 PM
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Ok- This is really hard but I finally did call it quits with my fiance. It's been a really rocky 3 year relationship. He did almost everything he could to hurt me.. and I finally decided it was better to end it. I had been in a very bad abusive relationship with my sons father which ended with him being arrested and a restraining order. That is now a lot better and he has grown up and see's our son every other weekend. The guy I was engaged to wasn't a lot better.. controling and lied a lot.. the whole package. He was great with my son and loved me to death but he is too young for serious stuff (hes a few years younger then me- in his lower 20's) and he did things to me I never should have put up with but I did. He lost his respect for things recently and I found out he had been lying and other things.. and I couldn't do it anymore.
It's really hard for me but I'm sticking to it this time. I have 'left' him many times before but this time I made him move out. I need a little support now :'(
thanks for reading
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You deserve to be treated as well as I know you treat your chins. I wish you happiness going forward. I know you can always find someone here to listen and give you a lift.
KB
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Good for you! A person shouldn't put up with abuse! I know you love and care for him, but you only live once and you have to look out for your child and yourself. If your relationship wasn't an honest one (now) before marriage....you can just imagine what it would be after marriage. Better to end it now than later! We are hear to listen to you and support you!
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thank you both. it really does mean a lot. today has been a long hard day. :'(
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Bright eyed,
It sounds like you are really going through a rough time. I am sorry for all that you've been through. I hope this doesn't sound trite, but I am sure that this has all happened for a reason, and that the person you are meant to be with, who will treat you with all the love and respect you deserve, is out there waiting for you.
My best friend went through a similar situation, for seven years. The guy absolutely tortured her. She finally had enough, like you , and broke it off. That was about two years ago. She is now engaged to be married to a wonderful guy who treats her like a queen. They are expecting a baby in January.
So don't give up hope, and stick to your guns. You made the right decision for yourself, even if it feels awful now. In the end, it will all turn out right for you.
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Thank you- those are all things I need to hear right now.
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:) We are all here to lend an ear and to give advice ... ::) ... that's the easy part ... but, you are the one that has to make the decisions and stick to them ... often much easier said than done. ::nod::
I have found 2nd, 3rd and even 4th chances given to someone only means things get worse, the other person becomes more confident that 'you can't live without them', so they continue to do everything they have been doing and add to the list of bad things as time goes by.
You have found the strength to set him out, I hope you can keep the backbone you are developing and not let anyone crush it again. Unless there is first respect and open communications from both sides, love can not survive, especially a one-sided love. When someone truly loves you, there is no abuse .... of any kind ... on either side.
You do not have to have a man in your life to survive or even be happy. You can survive with out one, but they are nice to have around ... a bad marriage and a couple of bad-news boyfriends and 34 years before I found my true love.
You are the one to lay the rules down in a relationship as far as your physical and mental health is concerned. The very first time something is said, done or threatened ... walk away ... run away if you have to, but never go back ... it only gets worse. No one deserves what some people will go through, if they allow it to happen. The next time, you could be leaving horizontal instead of vertical.
Just keep in mind, it is your life and your future, if it's not good now, staying in/or returning to the situation, will only make it worse and harder to leave the next time.
If you've never had a chance to read the book "The Burning Bed", please get a copy and read it.
|hugs| Jo Ann
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Good for you! No one should be treated in that way. We are all here if you need us. :hugs:
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|hugs| Jo Ann
You could never be so right. After one very bad relationship with my son's father, I can't beleive I let certain things go on.. I gave 10th chances to my 'fiance' and it did just keep getting worse and worse and harder on me to move on. Even tho I knew it was wrong- I let it keep happening. That is where they get you and make you weaker.. to the point where you aren't strong enough to leave. It is very draining. Everyone around me talked to eachother about how unhappy and sad I was.. and how I could live without it. Even though he is young was young at our worst time it doesn't give him an excuse to walk all over me and break me down. I do care about him very much. I truley love him and I know he truley loves me- he treated me very bad and hurt me in places I had already been hurt. He needs to grow up and realize right from wrong and what a relationship is about- however long that may take. I need time to focus on me and my son.. we need eachother and I hadn't been there like I needed to be. Brandon and I are friends. He is helping me with finances and probably having to move since our income was coming mostly from him.. he also will be there if I need a baby sitter. He's never been so upset- but it has been a long time coming and he needs this as a wake up call. Down the road it may end up to be that being apart for a while is what we needed- or I may find we didn't have what I thought and know I'm better off without him. Only time will tell.
And I will be getting that book. ::nod:: I have had it mentioned to me before. Thank you very much. I feel like what you said made me a little stronger.
Good for you! No one should be treated in that way. We are all here if you need us. :hugs:
Thank you very much. Every little bit helps.
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Just checking in on you. Hope you're doing ok.
KB
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Just checking in on you. Hope you're doing ok.
KB
Hey there. Thanks-I am doing better, now. I was sick over the weekend so that didn't help, but a lot did happen to make things better.
He went to his family's and then came back to talk to me. We talked a lot and are taking a break. He never abused me- just did a lot to hurt me and was jealous so he didn't like me going out or certain people I was friends with. He knows it wasn't fair and I deserve my own time and wants me to have it.
He knows how bad it was and thinks a break is what is best so I get my own time to figure out things and enjoy myself. He is helping with things and picking up my son and looking after him until I get home from work.
I was really upset and things seemed to take me over the edge but now I think it's the best to take some time and realize what can be done. We want to make it work- but I may decide it's too late. It's going to take a while. I'll just be enjoying my son and spending time with friends and seeing where it takes me. I think if we start all over and give that a try it would be worth it. But we do need time apart to relax and sort out our heads. I may see it fit to move on to other things- we will see.
thank you again. It helps to have others to give advice and lend an ear.
:blush2:
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We're all here when you need us.
Be careful, old habits die hard, not only his but yours too.
I used to be a magnet for needy men, who gave very little return, my younger years.
There was this little spot in the back of my head that would tell me I could change them into the perfect men. :doh:
Boy have I changed. :D
Look out for yourself and your son,the right man will add to your family, not take from.
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::silly::
Look out for yourself and your son,the right man will add to your family, not take from.
Amen
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Hi Megan,
I have been away from the computer for awhile and just got back to read this. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I can certainly relate! I have had my share of bad relationships from men who hit me to men who controlled me and everything I did. I'm not sure of what your situation is but I will share what I went thought. I was always one of those people who said no man will ever hit me! But what they never tell you is mean men don't start out mean. When my man started wanting to know where I was every day I was flattered that he cared. When he started being jealous again it was sweet. AT FIRST.... Then he started following me. Then he would accuse me of being with other guys when I wasn't. Then refusing to let me go out. Then the yelling started, then the pushing, and then the all out hitting. And everything progressed so slowly that by the time I realized what I had gotten myself into I was embarrassed that I had been so blind. I was afraid to tell my friends and family. I actually thought for awhile that it was my fault things got so bad. Then when I tried to leave I became fearful because it became obvious he wasn't just going to let me leave.
Abusive men don't always hit. Mental abuse and mind games can be just as damaging. Men like this are much smarter than we think and they can be just as sweet and manipulative in their apologies as they are in their attacks.
I am not saying that your man is like this. Only you know that situation. But since we brought up the subject I just wanted to share my experiences and hopefully let anyone reading this in that situation know that you are not alone and other people have been there. It is a horrible cycle!
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Jamie,
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your experiences. Too many people suffer silently in those types of situations.
I can also say, unfortunately, that I understand from experience. To me, the mental and emotional manipulation and abuse can sometimes be far more damaging than the physical. It makes you doubt your worth as a person, and your abilities.
Thankfully, I can say that with a LOT of love, support, and patience from my family and friends, and my incredible husband (who was not my abuser), I am a healthier, stronger person. And NO ONE will ever make me feel that badly about myself again.
I hope that the support we can offer here will help you, Megan, to stay strong and confident in your ability and your right to make good and healthy decisions for yourself and your loved ones.
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Thank you- all of you. I hate that so many other people know these things because of experience.
And I think you are right Abby- the mental/verbal abuse is worse to me then the actual physical abuse. It effects you in a different way and is harder to overcome and 'get past'.
I was married to my son's father and within a week after I had moved in ( I was about 6 months pregnant at the time) he started to move onto the physical pushing and hitting phase. It was awful because I had nowhere to go back then. My family did not want me to have a baby in their house.. There was no one else. After Austin was 3 months old I finally could leave for good because he almost hurt him when he went after me. I have had a restraining order against him ever since. I started to talk to him again when Austin was about 9 months old but quickly saw he hadn't changed like he said he had and never will go back. He now has gone through counseling and a program called Safe Child (twice- ordered by the court) and is very good with Austin. He has grown up a bit- but I would never go back. I make sure hes good to Austin and thats all I deal with with him.
Brandon is different. He had never been in a relationship and has bad male 'role models'. He just lied and hid things and put me thru a lot. Nothing abusive.. I would never be with him if he showed any other signs. He just needs to grow up. And I do know what to look for. I will come here for more support too because it's clearly there. Thank you again.
We are starting from scratch to build nothing but good memories and start over. It is what we needed. If it doesn't work then it wasnt meant to be. But we will see with time.
Thanks again. I hope anyone going through really bad relationships will be comfortable and come to anyone with problems because you need to have support to stay strong.. and people with experience are the best. They know what you need to hear and do.
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::clapp::
|hugs|
You go girl.
Yes sad how we have to learn sometimes, but we did and do, that's better than many.
And we have to stick together, support and protect each other, we are the women of this world and no one has the right to belittle us physically or emotionally.
We just had our 'Take Back The Night March" I'm geared up on the subject and yes have been the subject of.
Text book Brighteyed and reads very much like your's with your sons father.
Just much much much linger ago. ::)
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I know how you feel,I was there once. :doh: if you need anything feel free to contact me. You deserve better, i know you cant help how your heart feels. You*ll find someone special, for you & your son.
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I hope things are going better for you now. I've been there done that. The guy I was with was controlling and very jealous. After 3yrs of being off and on, he broke up with me for something stupid and that was it. I'd had enough. Then a month or so later, I met the love of my life and here we are almost 9yrs later. :)
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>:( >:( >:(
NO WOMAN ever deserves any kind of abuse. She is the main frame of the relationship, w/o her...you have nothing. You are:
worth something to youself,
Have respect for you,
Have dignity for you,
LOVE YOU FIRST,
Heal
Laurie